Someone radio DJ schmuck the other day asked the always interesting question “what would you really want to do before you die?” Most people called in and said things like “spend time with my loved ones”. I’d agree with that whole heartedly. If a giant earth crushing meteorite was heading for Texas, I’d be spending my last moments alive… ummm… horizontal. But, a more interesting question might be, what do you want to do in life, at some point, before you die. Now, this question doesn’t involve certain death. It’s more of a “if you could do anything, what would it be” kinda question. I thought about it for a little bit, and came up with a short list of things I’d like to do before I die (of old age).

– Play a musical instrument in front of a live audience.
– Design a video game.
– Get really drunk in Scotland with a group of my friends.
– Drive in a professional race (not NASCAR), stunt course, or high speed police chase.

But the biggie, the thing I’ve always wanted to do more than anything, that keeps popping into my mind every time I turn on the radio/TV….


I don’t really know why. I guess it’s the whole letting your voice be heard thing. With a healthy dose of “sticking it to the man” thrown in for good measure. What would be even better is that if, somehow, my pirate radio broadcast inspired a second American revolution. It would be great. We could dismantle the credit bureau industry, smash anything with high fructose corn syrup, run the rich out of town, beat up some congressional lobbiests, restore a few liberties and have a massive BBQ on the front lawn of the white house.

But, if pirate radio doesn’t work out… well, it’s got to be a run for President. You’ve got to be 40 right? So, right this second, I’m officially declaring my candidacy for the 2020 elections. Perry for President in 2020.

What would my platform be?

“When I’m President, I will firmly kick, square in the ball sack, the heads of any major corporations that are leeching off of this country. I will fight, in an exhibition boxing match, any leader of a foreign nation that opposes us. I will invite over for ice cream, any leader of a foreign nation that supports us. I will surprise any leader of a foreign nation that’s plotting against us by inviting them for ice cream then beating them in a surprise exhibition boxing match. My domestic policy? Get a job. My foreign policy? Fuck you, we’re not accepting any more imports. Americans will use 99% American made goods, eat food that grows on trees or walks around on American soil. Everyone will have fiber, the internet kind, and lots of it. We invented the internet, there’s no reason I should have to wait for a video of someone getting kicked in the ball sack. Oh yeah, one last thing… free pie for everyone.”

If that doesn’t get some votes, I don’t know what would.


Back to the point. Pirate radio. Anyone has a transmitter? Seriously though, what would you do, at some point in life, if you could?