Chris pointed out a link on his blog to a guy whos mission in life is to visit every Starbucks on the planet. That my friends, is perhaps the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. One mans pursuit over the worlds worst coffee is truly mind-numbing. Admittedly I’m a coffee snob. I drink two brands of coffee exclusively, Lavazza and DunkinDonuts. I have my reasons for both. Lavazza is award winning, fantasticly strong without being a dark bitter roast and is without a doubt the finest coffee in the world. It’s Italian, and if any culture knowns more about good coffee I’d be surprised. Don’t even think about mentioning the French. Those people wouldn’t know coffee if it bit them in the ass… stupid Frogs. The Turks might be a close second, but they’re mostly into Espresso anyway. Dunks is another story. I grew up with DunkinDonuts, its my “comfort” coffee. If I ever want to feel “at home” I get a cup, close my eyes, and imagine I’m outside in Harvard Square on a cool winter night with a cup in my hand. Somehow, after that, everything is all right with the world. I’ve been drinking that stuff since I was 8 and I still have a soft spot for it.
Starbucks, on the other hand, is the work of Satan. Coffee is not ment to a) taste like dirt, gasoline or gasoline soaked dirt, b) have so many ways to be prepared that it requires a menu and c) contain so much milk, cream, chocolate, caramel or “flavor shot” that it completely hides the coffee taste. Coffee is a simple drink. It reguires a cup, that’s it. If you want to be adventurous you can add a sugar packet or two or perhaps one of those mini-creamer things. That’s it.
Now, I enjoy a Mocca-Latte’ as much as the next guy. But that’s not coffee. That’s a fancy espresso drink. I get those every once in a while when I need both caffine AND sugar… at the same time. Together. Even then I won’t ask for whipped cream, non-fat skim milk, chocolate syrup on top or a fancy crossant to go with it. Nope, just the chocolate, espresso and milk please.
What is completely untollerable are the people who order “a tall mocca latte with caramel, low fat skim milk, low fat whipped cream and chocolate shavings on top”. What the hell. Just go order yourself a fucking chocolate milk shake and be done with it. Of course, they have to order it while they’re on their cell phones too, which puts them on my “first to die” list should I ever come into some sort of political power.
I think I need to relax…. where’s my coffee. Oh wait, it’s gone! Replaced by some Starbucks serving Low-Fat Caramel Macchiattos to people driving Escalades with no hands because one hand is wrapped around the latest Nokia monstrocity and the other is around their ill-gotten coffee-ish beverage. Fuck.
I’m the last of my kind I fear. I realize I’m alone in my views and that’s ok. I’ve learned to deal with it.
Which, in a round about way, gets me to the title of this entry…
You might have heard the Houston is unique to the coffee world, being as it’s the only city on the planet to have two Starbucks NEXT TO EACH OTHER. And now, linked from wonder-moron’s website, I can show them to you.
This is the Starbucks on River Oaks Drive. Pay attention the the black awning on the right side of the picture. Why? Because it’s the same awning in this picture of the Starbucks across the street. Why have two Starbucks next to each other you ask? Well, because there’s a one way street intersecting right there and if you’re traveling in one direction you can only get to one of them. Of course, the people traveling on the cross-street need one too! So there you go. Bad city road designs leads to two bad coffee stores. Good job Houston.
Let this be a lesson to you all.
That’s it, I’m done.