I need to be honest for a few minutes. I’m horrifically worried about not finding a job. The fear has been growing for the past month or so and is steadily getting worse. I’m hardly sleeping any more. I’m not really worried about not finding “something” but I’m constantly worried about not being able to support myself and Lauren. I feel like I’m more or less worthless, not having a job already. I also feel like the photography market was the wrong thing to get into. Don’t get me wrong, it was important for me to chance my dream of being a professional photographer, but I don’t know the first thing about being able to make money at it. I need a job with a steady, dependable income if I’m to support us and I’m really afraid I’m not going to find that. So what if I’m some photographers assistant, the money is probably crap. So what if I’m working at a newspaper, that money is probably crap too. I didn’t get a degree in anything computer related so it isn’t going to be easy to convince a company to hire me for my computer related skills. I have a fine arts degree. I’m a fucking photographer. I’m in debt. I don’t have the money to jump into a photo business with both feet, so I can’t make money on my own. I’m useless. I have no redeeming workplace value other than my ability to click a shutter or a mouse button. Who the hell wants that?
I’m over reacting a bit. I broke down a little while ago when I was on the phone with Lauren. I have faith that I’m going to find something, but I want to be good to Lauren and I want to be able to provide. I know it sounds sexist, but I want to wear the pants and bring home the bacon damnit.
I’m also scared. I’m a little fucking girl. I’ve always had talents, I’ve just never been able to convince myself that they’re of any use. I’m scared I’m not going to be good enough. I’m scared I’m going to end up penny-less and in a box somewhere. I followed my dreams and all they got me was debt. Some dream.
There’s nothing I can do about it. All I can do is try. I can try, hope for the best and hope everything works out ok in the end. But what if it doesn’t? What if I not only mess up my life, but the lives of everyone around me.
Everyone should stay away from me. I only bring people down. I’m the fucking Titanic and I just hit my iceberg. There aren’t enough lifeboats so you’d better get out now.
I’m not usually scared. Usually I’m the strong one. Usually I give the advice. Usually I can see the bright side of life. It must be raining ’cause I don’t see jack-shit.
I’m going to bed.
Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow will bring hope. Or failure. But at least it’ll come. That’s always something to be thankful for.